Poetry Corner – mCAT

My cats are twats.
A duo of dickheads,
A pair of prize pillocks,
A brace of bellends.
My cats are twats.

My cats are twats.
A couple of cockknockers,
The tosser twosome,
Prat partners.
My cats are twats.

My cats are twats.
Toolboxes in tandem,
The fabulous furry fuckhead fraternity,
A deuce of doofuses.
My cats are twats.

Poetry Corner: Jeff

People pissing in bottles and jars
So you can ride your white cock to the stars.

Destroyed our high street, ruined the place,
So you can ride your white cock into space.

This is the end game? When there’s no more tax to avoid,
You ride your white cock to the void.

Added nothing to understanding our sense of place.
It’s just you in your white cock in space.

Poetry Corner: snip

Very nice lady matched me online
And we got to chatting. We
Spoke online all day, all night until,
Eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask her out. We met up, had a
Couple of drinks, talked and
Talked for hours. It was great. Wind it
On a couple of years, we’re getting married, but neither of us want
More kids. Anyway, how’s
Your day going?

Recognising privilege

On the back of the awful (not the word, but I don’t have the words) case of Sarah Everard, the stories every woman has been sharing in the aftermath, I got to thinking.

Some years ago, I was walking home from the pub. It was late. Very late. Walking in the same direction but faster than a young woman, as my shadow drew into alongside hers she turned and launched a furious tirade at me, exact details of which are lost in time. In short, I was intimidating her by my presence and I should cross the road. It being six lanes, I said I wasn’t going to do that, asked her to wait in the brightly lit spot while I passed as wide as I could on a reasonably wide piece of pavement, then we could both continue on our way. And it angered me. I know I’m a big soft lump, and while she couldn’t possibly know that, it seemed grossly unfair to be labelled as a danger. I really didn’t understand.

Some years later, but still some years ago, I was accosted by two lads on my road. It was an attempt at a mugging. I told them to fuck off. I know I’m a big soft lump, but they couldn’t possibly know that. What they did do was attempt to rob someone standing over six feet tall and of reasonably large build. ‘Pick your battles, lads’, I thought. They fucked off. Then the penny dropped.

I – you, us (as men) – can’t have it both ways. I can’t congratulate myself on seeing off two muggers merely because I’m a sizeable bloke and not appreciate how I may look to a woman on her own. I can’t say to myself ‘they don’t know I’m a soft sack of shite’ regarding those muggers without the self-awareness to also say ‘she doesn’t know I’m a soft sack of shite’ regarding that lass who bawled me out.

I haven’t got answers. I guess that all I’m saying is be aware. And be better. Learn. This is on us, men, far more than it is anyone else. We have to be better.

Poetry Corner: Shove it

Committing Britain to austerity in perpetuity
For the sake of an ideology
You didn’t agree with until recently.
Cower to those with power,
beg for crumbs thrown from ivory towers.
Cut our throats to beggar the European bloc.
Sod ‘em off but to us they’ll flock… 
For what? innovative jam and a war-time obsession?
For ten German bombers and twisted history lessons?
Isolated backward island built on phoney nostalgia,
A failed idea of exceptionalism
Of Anglo-supremacism.
No conviction.
Your conviction is fiction.
You project yourself as ready, willing and able
By parroting the myth of being strong and stable.
Your profession of stability masks your obvious inability.
Fathead Boris Walter Mitty in high office sitting pretty.
Scruffy twat blue, go brush your hair,
Use general taxation to hide an affair.
Reward for previous misdemeanours
Is to destroy our rights on behalf of the leavers.
Line well-lined pockets is your one mission,
Let centenarians fund basic provision,
Let your mates set the rates,
The proles can’t even eat cake,
Pockets emptied by your mates on the take.
Call you out, you cry “uncivil debate!”

Well you can shove that up your arse.

Poetry Corner: More In Common

One I started ages back after the murder of Jo Cox MP. Still relevant, sadly.

I do not give you permission to divide my community.
You will not turn me against my neighbour.
No-one can instil fear of the other in me
On the basis that they’re foreign.
We will always have more in common.

You will not make statements on my behalf
Simply because our skin is of similar hue.
You will not assume I agree with you on the same basis.
Your beliefs are utterly rotten.
We will always have more in common.

And I say this to you
From the very heart of my bottom;
We will always have more in common.

Dobbo’s House of Games

Since the start of lockdown 1, a bunch of us – largely from the old, Socrates-era football blogging community – have been doing a weekly football quiz on our slack channel. Open to all. Join in if you fancy. It was my turn last week, so I shamefully nicked all the rounds from Richard Osman’s House of Games. Thought I’d share.

Round 1: Correction centre
One word is wrong in these statements. Which word are you changing to what to make it correct?

1. Billy Wright, the first footballer to make 100 appearances for his country, played his entire club career at Bolton Wanderers.
2. The last champions of the Simod Cup were Genoa.
3. The first champions of England were Glossop North End.
4. Naming rights to Huddersfield’s new ground were first sold to Alfred Hitchcock.
5. Shrewsbury Town provided most of the footballers in Escape To Victory.
6. Playing at Estadio Monumental, River Ouse are the big rivals to Boca Juniors.
7. Vinnie Jones made his acting debut in Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, directed by Andy Ritchie.
8. England’s 1966 World Cup winning captain was Roger Moore.
9. Dave Whelan broke his shoulder in the 1960 FA Cup final.
10. Nottingham Forest’s and Notts County’s grounds lie either side of the River Mersey.

Show/hide answers

1. Bolton -> Wolverhampton
2. Simod -> Anglo-Italian
3. Glossop -> Preston
4. Hitchcock -> McAlpine
5. Shrewsbury -> Ipswich
6. Ouse -> Plate
7. Andy -> Guy
8. Roger -> Bobby
9. Shoulder -> leg
10. Mersey -> Trent

Round 2: Rhyme time
Two clues, the answers rhyme with one another. Yes you need both for a point

1. England winger in the 1990 World Cup. England manager who hates disableds.
2. Scotland manager at the 1998 World Cup. Club known as The Mariners who play in Cleethorpes.
3. Stockport County’s ground lies closest to this river. Graeme Le Saux was born on which Channel Island?
4. Commentator noted for his sheepskin coat. Everton captain when they won the FA Cup in 1995.
5. Long-legged Sheffield Wednesday and England midfielder of the Graham Taylor days. ‘El Pibe’.
6. Dutch defender sold by Alex Ferguson after writing his autobiography. Home city of Feyenoord and Excelsior.
7. Pundit fired by Sky for being a massive creep. 118-cap Irish international defender who played for Man Utd and Sunderland.
8. Scottish-born Ireland international who played for and managed Bolton. Sherlock Holmes creator who played in goal for amateur side Portsmouth.
9. Crystal Palace’s nickname. Brighton’s nickname.
10. Manager of Leeds for 44 days. Scottish goalkeeper at the 1978 and 82 World Cup.

Show/hide answers

1. Chris Waddle, Glenn Hoddle
2. Craig Brown, Grimsby Town
3. Mersey, Jersey
4. John Motson, Dave Watson
5. Carlton Palmer, Carlos Valderrama
6. Jaap Stam, Rotterdam
7. Andy Gray, John O’Shea
8. Owen Coyle, Arthur Conan Doyle
9. Eagles, Seagulls
10. Brian Clough, Alan Rough

Round 3: This round is in code.
I give you the answers here, but they’re all in code where A=1, B=2 etc 
These first five are ‘Pot 4’ countries at the 2018 World Cup

1. 19-15-21-20-8  11-15-18-5-1
2. 16-1-14-1-13-1
3. 10-1-16-1-14
4. 19-5-18-2-9-1
5. 13-15-18-15-3-3-15
And these five clubs are all one-time winners of the English championship
6. 19-8-5-6-6-9-5-12-4  21-14-9-20-5-4
7. 9-16-19-23-9-3-8  20-15-23-14
8. 12-5-9-3-5-19-20-5-18  3-9-20-25
9. 14-15-20-20-9-14-7-8-1-13  6-15-18-5-19-20
10. 23-5-19-20  2-18-15-13-23-9-3-8   1-12-2-9-15-14

Show/hide answers

1. South Korea
2. Panama
3. Japan
4. Serbia
5. Morocco
6. Shffield United
7. Ipswich Town
8. Leicester City
9. Nottingham Forest
10. West Bromwich Albion

Round 4: Games House Of
General trivia, but you must give me the answer in alphabetical order. So if the answer was my name, you put Dobson John

1. Which Dutch striker won the Ballon d’Or in 1988, 89 and 92?
2. Which Scottish side contest the Highland Derby with Ross County?
3. Davide Gualtieri scored a famous goal against England playing for which national side?
4. David Beckham, Ashley Cole and Steven Gerrard have all played for which MLS side?
5. Which club were the first to crack 100 points in a season in English football?
6. Which Italian nutjob’s career high/lowlights include flinging a Nazi salute, shoving a referee over and a spectacular flying volley for West Ham?
7. Arsene Wenger joined Arsenal from which J-League side?
8. Which Dutch striker played for Celtic, Hull and Rapid Vienna in between spells at PSV?
9. What was the official mascot of the 1966 World Cup?
10. Bradley Wright-Phillips scored 125 goals in MLS for which team?

Show/hide answers

1. Basten Marco van
2. Caledonian Inverness Thistle
3. Marino San
4. Angeles Galaxy Los
5. City York
6. Canio di Paolo
7. Eight Grampus Nagoya
8. Hesselink Jan of Vennegoor
9. Cup Willie World
10. Bulls New Red York

Final round: ANSWERSMASH
A picture, a clue beneath, smash the answers together
First five are pictures of players, smash them into the clues

34-time champions of Spain
Scottish club known as The Accies
Hampshire club founded in 1992 after the previous club folded and resigned from the Football League
Scottish team from Perth, the only league club in the UK with a J in the name
Only French team to win the European Cup
And vice versa, pictures of club badges, smash them into the clues
Scored Manchester United’s first in the 1999 Champions League final
Arsenal stalwart, wrote the autobiography ‘Addicted’
26 caps for Italy and current Everton manager
Rangers and Blackpool defender, once got injured by a poached egg
Norwegian striker who is ‘at the wheel’

Show/hide answers

1. Nacho Monreal Madrid
2. David Beckhamilton Academical
3. Steve Archibaldershot Town
4. Iain St Johnstone
5. Marc Overmarseille
6. Scunthorpe Uniteddy Sheringham
7. Portony Adams
8. Benficarlo Ancelotti
9. Falkirk Broadfoot
10. Espanyole Gunnar Solskjaer