Poetry Corner: Petty Grievance

It takes years and years
For civil engineers
To train and design traffic flows.

But you flashing your lights,
Yes it’s you with the right
To decide who must stop and who goes.

Poetry Corner: It’s Murder On The Orient Express

I’d like to go on the Orient Express,
To travel with such style and grace.
But whenever I look to see if I can book, 
It’s full of folk who won big on The Chase.

It all looks so terribly fancy,
Silver service for breakfast and dinner.
I want to see Istanbul, but the thing’s always full
Of people who outran Paul Sinha.

Perhaps I need lower ambitions –
Find somewhere less exotic to be.
Go on Pointless instead and win just enough bread
For a weekend in Southend-on-Sea.

But I would still like to go on it,
Where Poirot solved his most famous case.
But I won’t reach this goal with a Mastermind bowl
So I’ll have to win big on The Chase.

Poetry Corner: Boris

Everyone knows he’s a big massive liar.
His attempts to defend are just dire.
Not one person thinks
that they were just ‘work drinks’.
He’s bald and his pants are on fire.

All-purpose 50th birthday quiz

My sister is 50. Scary stuff, of course, and also of course we were asked to write a quiz for her do. So we did. And because it’s a bugger to do, here I’m sharing what we did. And it’s actually dead easy.

You do a picture round of ten famous faces from the same birth year. You do a music round with ten of the biggest hits of the year, asking folk to name the artist. And you do a before or after round – pick ten world events adjacent to the subject’s birth and folk need to determine if they happened before the subject was born or after.

Which leaves you one round to do, and here’s the generic bit of questions relating to the number 50. It’s a rhyme time – two clues, the answers to which rhyme and you need them both for the point. Screw half points. Here we go:

  1. Letter that represents 50 in Roman numerals. Abbreviated name of two Spice Girls
  2. 50th wedding anniversary. Britain’s Got Talent judge
  3. Rap singer Curtis Jackson goes by this name. Superman’s alter ego
  4. Section on a dartboard that scores 50. Meat product, also a type of hat
  5. Cop show set on an island state of the US. First Bond film
  6. Who sang 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. Rolling Stones bassist
  7. Most Test 50s for England mens team. What you are said to wear when you wear nothing
  8. Element with atomic number 50. Juniper flavoured spirit
  9. Author of the 50 Shades books. Worldwide quadrennial sports event
  10. North By Northwest was the 50th film of this director’s career. 1969 music festival in New York state
Show/hide answers

1. L. Mel
2. Golden. Amada Holden
3. 50 Cent. Clark Kent
4. Bullseye. Pork pie
5. Hawaii 5-0. Dr No
6. Paul Simon. Bill Wyman
7. Joe Root. Birthday suit
8. Tin. Gin
9. EL James. Olympic Games
10. Hitchcock. Woodstock

Help yourself.

Poetry Corner – The Tofu-eating Wokerati

Who ended the career of the great Todd Carty?
Who forced us to withdraw the sweet blue Smartie?
While you were all grieving, who forced us to party?
The tofu-eating wokerati.

Who removed the toxic inks from Sharpies?
Who’s the modern Senator Joseph McCarthy?
Who forces us to take cash from the oligarchy?
The tofu-eating wokerati.

Who assassinated Russell Harty?
Who said you can’t drive after a bottle of Bacardi?
Who is the real Professor James Moriarty?
The tofu-eating wokerati.

Cooking With Casuals: Air-fried chicken thighs

My wife is a vegetarian and that makes me pretty much a vegetarian also. But given the chance, I still love fried chicken. Unfortunately, the best fried chicken shop in the world which wasn’t so far away from us closed down during one of the Covid lockdowns. Nobody else comes close, so I’ve had to improvise and while I don’t generally like to brag about my cooking, I reckon I’ve nailed it. And I owe it all to the glory of the air fryer. We got one a while back, may have been in lockdown 1 and I’m still experimenting with it.

What you do is chuck some oil, equal (large) shakes of paprika and sage and a healthy twist of black pepper in a bowl, throw in a load of chicken thighs and make sure they’re all nicely coated. Set aside and let it all marinade.
Into the air fryer with ’em at about 190C. Cook for 10 minutes skin side down, then for about 17/18 minutes skin side up.

Air fryer goes ping, chicken is ready. And it’s really bloody lovely.

Poetry Corner – mCAT

My cats are twats.
A duo of dickheads,
A pair of prize pillocks,
A brace of bellends.
My cats are twats.

My cats are twats.
A couple of cockknockers,
The tosser twosome,
Prat partners.
My cats are twats.

My cats are twats.
Toolboxes in tandem,
The fabulous furry fuckhead fraternity,
A deuce of doofuses.
My cats are twats.